FIC: Halloween Mayhem V [Harry Potter, Marauders]

[omnicat]

Summary of the Story so far: Remus has, after a long time of pining, gathered up the courage to ask McGonagall for help in courting the girl he likes.
Lily, who helped him find McGonagall, has in her impatience tried to find out what he was up to, and feels guilty afterwards; she can’t convince herself completely that her Prefect’s responsibilities were the only reason, and that Severus’s accusations that Remus is keeping a dangerous secret had nothing to do with it.
After a row with James, Sirius was out for the same thing, but he used a more direct approach... Poor Remus didn’t know what was coming to him, and was, considering his earlier insecurities, easily coaxed, bribed and harassed into telling Sirius about his plan, and Sirius later relays the story to James. However, the two of them make the big mistake of laughing at Remus for it. So while Peter is in the Hospital Wing recovering from a skewed decoy plot, Sirius and James, too, are now sporting black eyes.
Remus’s foul mood is lifted somewhat when Lily (trying to make up for her earlier lack of faith in him) offers to help him tackle his shyness.
Meanwhile, Sirius has taken it upon himself to find out what the suspicious new rumour that is going around Hogwarts is about. He is shocked when he hears it, and confronts Remus with it - or rather, accuses him of trying to seduce Lily. This finally pushes Remus over the edge. Harsh words are exchanged between them, and when James’s ignorance, too, is roughly shattered, the situation explodes. Who knows where the flying debris will hit home?
 

 
Chapter Five; I Did Warn You Guys – That Hurts

Sirius knew he looked a mess. But he wasn’t sure he looked bad enough to illicit all the concerned looks from the Hogwarts witches and the taunting remarks from the Slytherins he was currently receiving. He pulled the Two-Way Mirror out of his bag to study his face, was puzzled for about three seconds, and then winced.

How could he have forgotten? He had a reputation to be a lady killer, so when he looked even remotely un-cool-and-hot-at-once without clues as to the cause that did not point to blatantly bad-ass behaviour, it was noticed. Damn all females. He could repress thoughts of his current problems, but conveniently forgetting about half of mankind was beyond even his abilities.

He decided not to pay anyone any heed. He just wanted a few bites to eat and a whiff of fresh air. Maybe that would clear his mind. Then he could think of a plan to create an effective brain bleach. Amnesia spells didn’t seem quite up to the task.

As soon as he sat down at the Gryffindor table, however, he was dragged from his seat. Five other Gryffindors went crashing to the ground as the bench he had been sitting on toppled over.

"Hey!"

"We need to talk."

"Since when does talking involve one party dragging the other along without giving the latter a chance to stan-"

"Shut up."

"But I thought you wanted to talk?"

"Shut up."

"James, my robe is not a mop."

"What part of ‘shut up’ don’t you understand?"

"The part where I’m being dragged through the Entrance Hall on my arse! Oumph."

After one last shove, Sirius skidded across the marble floor until he came to rest with his back neatly against a wall. He blinked up at James, who towered over him. He counted, then blinked again.

"Where’d you get that bruise? The one in the middle of your forehead, I mean. It wasn’t there before."

"Where’d your black eye go? I thought we’d keep them so Remus would be reminded of how much of a git he’s being every time he sees us."

Sirius looked away.

James’s face contorted with rage. "I should have known! You’re siding with him!"

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, utterly befuddled. He could still see the expression on Remus’s pale face as he ripped what he had held for their untouchable friendship apart, the look in his eyes that revealed such raw, wounded distrust.

"I talked to Dorcas Meadows from Ravenclaw. She’s the girl you snogged for information yesterday, in case you’d forgotten or failed to ask."

Ouch. Merlin, what was going on? Was it Poke-Holes-In-Sirius-Black’s-Self-Confidence-Day,-Oh,-And-Have-Fun-Pouring-Salt-Into-The-Wounds?

"She told me what she told you. You bloody well knew what Moony - the little prick - was trying to do, and you didn’t tell me!"

"Trying to - oh, you mean trying to make a move on Lily?"

He’d never seen James look as angry as he looked then. "Yeah, that’s what I mean!"

Despite himself, Sirius flinched. Actually feeling hints of trepidation, he watched as James abruptly turned away, crossing his arms over his chest. He balled his fists, uncrossed his arms again, and held them at his sides stiffly as he stomped to and fro though the corridor he had dragged Sirius into. He put his hands on his hips, looked at the still seated Sirius, and opened and closed his mouth several times, ultimately without saying anything. Finally, he returned to his initial position, arms crossed and looking away.

"You’re insufferable, Sirius. How can I stay properly mad at you when you’re sitting there like a kicked puppy?" Sirius morphed, but quickly changed back when James looked at him sharply (and made a move as if to really kick him). "Damnit, Sirius... you’re siding with Moony!"

"Tell that to Moony." Sirius muttered, sobering more quickly than he would have thought possible twenty-four hours previously.

"Huh?"

"Moony and I... had a fight. Over the whole snogging-Evans business."

James finally looked at him, a not quite pleasantly surprised expression on his face. "You too?"

"You too?"

"I said that."

"Yeah, but I’m the one who had a fight with him, so why shouldn’t I say it as well?"

"Hold on, wait - when did this happen? Between you and Moony, I mean?"

"Last night." Sirius said reluctantly.

"So that’s what..."

"Yeah. I didn’t want to assume the worst about what Meadows had told me, because, you know, it was Remus she’d been talking about. But he didn’t see it that way..."

He told James what had transpired at the bottom of the Gryffindor stairs the previous night, glad to get it off his chest and relieved to know that, even though Remus may have suddenly decided he was a slave driver of the worst kind and some incarnation of Satan - and, he had to admit (albeit grudgingly), that Peter had every reason to agree with Remus on that matter - at least James was still with him. James was just as shocked as he had been, and decidedly more indignant.

He plopped himself down beside Sirius against the wall. "He has some nerve! Accusing you of being a bad friend - what for, by the way? I don’t it anymore - while he is the one who’s after his supposed friend’s girlfriend."

Sirius would have liked to agree, if only it were that simple. "Well, you see..." he said tentatively, knowing that once James got going about Evans, there was nigh no stopping him anymore. "That’s just it: I’m not sure he really is after Evans."

James scoffed. "You just told me he didn’t deny it."

"Yeah, but he didn’t confirm any of it either."

"That’s because you didn’t pressure him. You know he’s a wimp like that."

He proceeded to rant about how enormously unfair it was that Lily was choosing Remus’s side over his and that Remus was sucking up to Lily behind his back. Sirius managed to, through rigorous sifting and translating of James-Potterian to the King’s English, gather enough information to figure out what had happened earlier that morning, all the while marvelling at James’s completely irrational possessiveness when it came to Lily Evans. Amusing as it could be sometimes, with everything that was going on it was beginning to worry Sirius.

"Alright James, I get it." he finally interrupted firmly. "Remus is a sodding git and Evans should be duck-taped to you to keep her from running off with other blokes. But you have to admit it doesn’t add up. If he was trying to get to Evans he would have kept his business with McGonagall secret from her, wouldn’t he? And by the way, I don’t think he’s given up on McGonagall’s lessons just yet; Evans woke me up earlier this morning to ask where Remus was, because McGonagall was looking for him -"

James looked grim and muttered: "Well, she found him."

Sirius couldn’t help but admire the intricate timing of it all, but wisely decided to hide that fact from James.

"She always manages to find him." James groused on. "It’s just not fair. I drop hints the size of anvils, right onto her toes, and she refuses to even look at me. And Remus, what does he do? Nothing, and she’s all over him! Wait, I get it - she likes him because he’s so girly. You never get a clear read on him, and when you think you’ve finally got him figured out, he goes and does something positively loony, like turning out to be a werewolf or falling in love, and you can start all over again. They’re all the same... turn on you the first chance they get..."

"Have you been listening to me, Prongs? Have you even been thinking? Get a grip! Remus is not after Evans."

"You’re only defending him to prove him wrong."

Sirius would not admit to that. He refused. "Remus is not after Evans." he maintained stubbornly. "He wouldn’t have blown up at me if he was. You said it yourself - he’s a wimp like that. And suppose he really did snog Evans yesterday. How should he have managed that? He just started learning how to conjure flowers two days ago. There simply hasn’t been the time for his plan to unfold, let alone take effect."

"They were at the greenhouses. You know, those things with plants and flowers in them?"

"The greenhouses are locked at night. Remus couldn’t have gotten in."

James scowled and ran a hand through his already messy hair in frustration. "I wouldn’t be surprised if he told her what had happened at McGonagall’s office and she - she thought it was so sweet of him that he didn’t need his plan anymore."

"Then why would McGonagall still have sent out for him?" Sirius was beginning to get annoyed.

"Because she did not yet know it wasn’t necessary anymore."

"James, stop it. Now." Sirius ground out. "Or I will choose Moony’s side, even if he hates my guts right now."

James glared at him. Sirius glared back.

"I am convinced Remus is not after Evans, Prongs."

"But you can’t prove it."

"Nor can you prove that he is after her."

James looked down, frustration and uncertainty evident on his face. Sirius couldn’t stand it, and for the first time felt himself get angry at Remus. Being angry at Remus always made him feel guilty, because... he was a dear friend, and... oh, bugger, because he pitied the young werewolf and felt like he should go easy on him!

He was right... and if he was right about this, then what about those other things he said?

Sirius pursed his lips. Okay, so there was a particle of truth in Remus’s words. But that same truth applied to Remus himself too, lately. In that case, Sirius was not about to feel guilty anymore. He shook his head like a dog would do to shake water from its coat, flinging the thoughts away.

James now, Remus later.

He knew just the thing to cheer his messy-haired friend up. Espionage.

Sirius turned to James with a shrewd grin. "How about we get some proof, then?"

Seeing the mischievous glint in Sirius’s eyes, James raised an eyebrow, encouraged by his friend’s confidence. "I assume you have a plan...?"

"Of course! We sic Wormtail on him. Simple as that. The perfect spy for all occasions - he even fits into your purse or robe pocket."

James snorted, and Sirius was pleased to see that the grin stayed on his face. "Then I guess it’s also safe to assume that Wormtail’s new blueberry-porridge look has proven to be reversible?"

"It sure is. He’s due to be released sometime around dinner. I checked." He didn’t care for Wormtail? Hah! "If he doesn’t show up we’ll have to stage a charge at the Hospital Wing, though. Pomphrey can’t keep our rat there forever."

"A win-win arrangement if I ever saw one."

"Indeed. Now, if you don’t mind," Sirius scrambled to his feet. "I’m going to eat. Anyone who disturbs me now will be jinxed."

"A reasonable measure. Fancy a bit of one-on-one Quidditch afterwards?"

"Sure. It’s been a while, I’m getting out of shape.



Unbeknownst to Peter, his early departure from the Hospital Wing that afternoon caused some slight changes in the plans that had been laid out by his friends just hours before. Sirius and James hadn’t counted on the fact that he would find Remus before they could find him.

Since even the proddable, dragable, pokable, and all-around compliant Peter could only stand so much of the overprotective Madame Pomphrey, once she had announced his newly restored health he transformed to his rat form when she scurried off to help a second-year with toenails protruding several feet from the noses of his shoes, and snuck off. One would never catch Peter saying being a Marauder hadn’t boosted his assertiveness and self-confidence. He didn’t think he would ever quite match his friends in bravery, nobility, coolness or kindness, but he was glad he had been able to acquire a place in their midst. Why Sirius and James put up with him and Remus cared for him was a mystery to Peter, but he wasn’t about to be ungrateful for the friendship they had given him, uncomfortable though it may be sometimes. He could have easily ended up on the receiving end of the Marauders’ force (it was a small miracle that he hadn’t), but instead, he had been allowed to become one of them. It was assuring to know that he had a place that was fit for him, that he played an integral part in the hierarchy, even if his place in said hierarchy was at the very bottom.

That’s why what he found when he came back was so unnerving.

He trudged up the stairs to his dormitory without a care in the world (well, none that he didn’t have on a daily basis, at least), opened the door (which, in hand-wringing retrospect, he couldn’t blame on his predicament for being closed, as the Marauders had a strict policy of keeping the door to their dormitory closed at all times lest one of their schemes would be noticed or tried to flee), stepped inside - and froze dead in his tracks.

Remus was there, sitting on his bed, with his back to the door and his head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and his laboured breath hitched at random intervals.

For a moment Peter’s mind refused to accept it - Remus was crying! Remus, who cried when the moon came close to full, in the middle of the night when he thought nobody could hear him, and felt guilty whenever his friends noticed and tried to comfort him. And if it were James and Sirius who found out, not Peter, they would always try to comfort him. But Remus was alone. Where were they? What had happened? Why weren’t they here?

"Remus?" Peter heard his own voice say, despite the fact that according to all logic, he should have stayed completely still lest Remus would notice him and he’d have to - he couldn’t -

Remus almost jumped through his canopy in frightened surprise and spun around to face Peter, stuttering his name. He quickly tried to wipe the tears off his cheeks, but must have realised it was useless, as he instead covered his face and turned away.

"Remus..." Peter took a hesitant step forward. "What’s wrong?"

"N - nothing’s wrong. I’ve just got something in my e - eye, that’s - s all."

"That’s not true." Peter said tentatively. Remus always said nothing was wrong, and Sirius and James somehow always knew that he was lying. It couldn’t be any different now, could it?

"A jinx! I got hit in the face with a Statitricity Jinx."*

Could that be it? Peter knew a lot about jinxes and hexes - he got hit by them all the time and really, he wasn’t that dim, so how could he not? - and it was clear that Remus was either mistaken, or lying.

"That’s not true either." Peter said lamely. "Remus, did something happen?"

What on Earth was he doing? He should get Sirius or James - or both, even better - for help. He wasn’t suited for this kind of stuff.

"N - no." Remus said in an unnaturally high-pitched voice. Then he glanced at Peter and a strange shiver passed over his face. He closed his eyes tighly, and a sob excaped him. "Yes," he said in a tiny voice, sinking back onto the edge of his bed. "I did such an awful thing..."

"S - should I get Padfoot or Prongs?"

"No!" The sudden force of that exclamation shocked Peter. "Don’t - please... stay. Could you hear me out? I need to tell someone, this is killing me."

Peter cautiously approached the werewolf and sat down next to him on the bed. Remus convulsively clenched and unclenched his hands in his lap. He grimaced when he noticed Peter staring at them.

"It’s to keep them from shaking." He held them out and Peter could see the tremors clearly. Remus let out a thin laugh and wiped his eyes. "I’m pathetic, aren’t I? The big bad wolf, shaking like a leaf when he spots a glimpse his own fangs."

"What happened?" Peter asked out of morbid curiosity.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut again. "I - I think I made the greatest mistake of my life." he managed to whisper, obviously with great effort. But once he had gotten that out, something seemed to give way, and suddenly the words came pouring from him, hasty and breathless.

"I’ve been so stupid, they’ll probably never trust me again. I - I yelled at Sirius. I said, I accused him - what it came down to - that he was a selfish prick who only really - only cared about James and himself, and that he only puts up with you because you’re useful to stroke his ego and that - that he suggested you guys would become animagi was because he thought it was cool, and that having a monster like me for a friend would be cool."

Peter was shocked from ‘yelled at Sirius’, but only at ‘monster’ did he gasp. "Remus, don’t say that! If James or Sirius hears you call yourself a monster they’ll be so angry!"

"No, oh no, not anymore. They’ll agree. Wholeheartedly. Who says such things to the best friends? They’re ri- No." Remus hunched over, burying his head in his arms. Peter wasn’t able to tell if the sound he made was a sob or a small, hysterical laugh. "I’m not a monster, it’s a full two weeks to full moon. Don’t worry Pete, I won’t say that I am again. But would you look at me?" Remus unfurled a bit and looked down at his shaking hands. "I’m such a mess. Such a pathetic, heartless, brainless excuse for a human being." Instead of bringing him to his senses, Remus’s own words only seemed to upset him further.

Peter was shocked and afraid and shocked and, well, very much shocked. He knew Remus loathed himself for what he was - it was the only reason Peter was not so scared of him that he wanted to run away screaming whenever the werewolf came into the room, but could actually relate to him - but this bad... This wasn’t right. Remus was kind. Remus was dignified. Remus was the consciousness of the group. How could this have happened?

Peter only realised he had asked that last question out loud when Remus stilled and looked at him. A slightly manic smile formed and broke on his face and he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He stood up and began to pace the dormitory as he spoke.

"That’s right, you wouldn’t know. You were in the Hospital Wing when it happened." Remus took a shaky breath before beginning his relay of the past days’ events. He told Peter that while the rat-animagus was causing a ‘distraction’ - apparently, he greatly disapproved of that - Sirius set out to ‘save’ him from McGonagall, thereby botching up the entire scheme Remus had so painstakingly set up.

"It took me so long to find the courage to go to McGonagall, Peter... I know how this must sound, but I was absolutely terrified. I almost couldn’t believe it when McGonagall agreed, and if it was anyone other than McGonagall, I think I would have bolted. And then Sirius came in and my nerves were all on end already, and I was so nervous - I - I needed to calm down, but I couldn’t, Sirius kept putting me on edge. And when Sirius laughed at me when I told him what I was doing - that hurt, Peter. And then James as well - it felt like - oh this is so stupid, how could I have been so stupid? - it felt like my own friends didn’t think I was worth it, or capable of - of - falling in love. You guys are the only people who care about me - aside from my parents, but they don’t count! It felt like James and Sirius didn’t think I was worth to be anything other than their admirer, like they wanted me to stay the way - an accessory - I just wanted them to be happy for me, Peter! James and Sirius and you are the reason I managed to find the nerve to pursue my dream of - crap, this sounds corny - you guys, your friendship gave me the courage to think that I might, you know, get a girlfriend, one day. But they - they laughed at me, and I so felt betrayed, and I didn’t want to think about that and I became angry, so angry..."

He told Peter about Lily Evans and Sirius, his words only confirming the look on his face - a kind of manic desparation that said it would only get worse still. When Remus came to the point where he stormed upstairs, he stopped his pacing and sank down where he stood, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking at Peter, with eyes that slowly drained from all emotion. His voice became flat.

"... that was so... so incredibly stupid. There needs to be a better word for that, for what I was, stupid just doesn’t cut it. Lily, she’d been such a sweetheart, she did everything I had wished Sirius and James would do. And when Sirius said what he said... something just snapped. How dared he, I thought. I just - I lost my head. And before I knew it, I had told him all those terrible things, the things that I knew would hurt him the most - I should have just kept my mouth shut, I should never have told him that, it wasn’t fair. My paranoia isn’t their fault. And yet - I told Sirius of all people that he was a hypocritical friend. He must hate me now. James must know by now, as well. I don’t know if he knew when - I should never have... how are they ever going to trust me again when they know I feel such things? It was not true - not really. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. They’re never going to understand, they’re so confident, they don’t know what it is like to... Merlin, I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut. But I was so upset, so nervous..."

Peter was at a loss for words. He could only listen silently as Remus wrung the words from his throat, told him the things that he couldn’t tell anyone else - not anymore. His by now hoarse voice sounded pained as he said: "Lily had really been... God, I hate myself whenever this thought comes to me, but Lily has been a better friend the past few days than James and Sirius. I guess three really is a crowd. Sirius and James would never do anything to hurt each other, they would always side with each other, they are like brothers. It was stupid of me to think I could be such close friends with them too."

Remus did not seem to notice how he automatically assumed that Peter wasn’t even in the same league as the three other Marauders, and now it was Peter who felt like a drawing-pin was jabbed into his back - Remus was always so kind to him.

"Poor Regulus, I think I know how he must feel." Remus went on, and chuckled bitterly. "But at least Regulus had good reason to think he could count on his big brother. I was just an idiot who thought that the first best person not to be disgusted by my lycanthropy would automatically be a perfect friend. I knew they weren’t - don’t get me wrong, they are the best friends I’ve ever had and I could never be anything other than grateful to them for everything they have done for me and are doing for me... they just do not understand. They don’t know what it’s like to be trapped in this - this contaminated body, to be this disgusting cross between a man and a monster."

A brittle laugh escaped the werewolf, and he rested his face on his knees, shaking from tip to toe. "Good grief, if only they knew what a mess I am inside. They wouldn’t be very eager to be my friends, then. And it would be worse if they were not there. I don’t think I would be able to control myself at all, if it wasn’t for the sake of keeping what little friends I have.

Lily was looking at me this afternoon... looking at me like I was a puzzle with some missing pieces. That look in her eyes - she didn’t ask me any questions, probably because we were with McGonagall and she didn’t want to disturb my conjuring lesson - but it’s killing me not to be able to tell her what’s going on. She’s worried about me, Peter. She really cares about me. I’d rather die than have her turn on me, but it feels so unfair to keep her in the dark about my condition. She shouldn’t have to deal with my problems, surely not while she doesn’t even know about half of them. She sees the nasty effects and Merlin only knows what it must make her think."

Peter finally found his voice, a little cracked and seemingly disconnected from his common sense by the numerous blows that had recently been dealt to the foundations of its owner’s life. "I’m sure everything will be alright. If you’d talk to them I’m sure they’d -"

"No." Remus said slowly. He didn’t look Peter in the eye. "I don’t want... I - it’s... I don’t want them to know all this. Look, Peter, the thing is..." He seemed to shrink. "Despite telling you all this, I’m still angry and hurt. The feelings just won’t go away. My pride -" he spat the word out like it was a foul tasting Bertie Bott Bean. "- won’t let them. And... I’m ashamed. And afraid. You know me better than they do - you’ve always done, did you ever realise that? Do you ever have the feeling that you want to be something bigger, something better than yourself, because you want your friends to respect you as equals, instead of merely tolerating you because they think you are pitiful?"

Yes. Peter did.

"It’s like that, kind of. I don’t want them to know how... unworthy I am. That sounded wrong, I know, but it’s the only right word. It feels so good to treat them the way they treat me, without having to ask myself if they’re not actually looking down their noses on me with all the disgust I deserve, and make cruel jokes about me behind my back. Letting you know all this is okay because - please don’t take this the wrong way Peter, I like you, I really do, but you’re not... you know..."

"Not as strong as Sirius and James. You wouldn’t want to be like me." Peter finished for him.

Remus looked up, guilt written all over his face.

"It’s okay." Peter said quietly. "I don’t blame you... I feel the same way."

"Please don’t tell Sirius or James what I told you."

"I promise."

Remus smiled at him, and Peter forced himself to smile back. One more comfortable illusion had been stripped from his life that afternoon. It disheartened him to know that even the kindest people were so insecure and unstable at the core, like a cold downpour on what should have been a warm, sunny day. And while his heart went out to Remus, he couldn’t help but be afraid of the dark clouds that had been revealed.

If even Remus could not withstand the storm, then how could Peter ever dream of doing it?
 

 

Halloween Mayhem
Chapter One; Take Your Positions!
Chapter Two; And Lose Them Again...
Chapter Three; Regroup ASAP
Chapter Four; This Is Called A Collision
Chapter Five; I Did Warn You Guys - That Hurts
Chapter Six; We'll Be Playing Blind Today
Chapter Seven; Bet You Didn't See That Coming
Chapter Eight; Somebody Tell Me I'm Dreaming
Chapter Nine; Please Play Nicely
Chapter Ten; Surprise, Surprise
[Written for the 2006 Halloween Fanfic Exchange.] Remus goes for the girl and involuntarily causes wide-spread chaos. He’s not pleased. Neither are his friends. Tempers flare, and flare... Will there be a last one to laugh?