FIC: If Lu Ten Hadn't Died [Avatar, Fire Nation Royal Family]

[omnicat]

Title: If Lu Ten Hadn’t Died
Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: K / PG
Genre: Angst
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Preferably everything shown on air so far, but up until Day of Black Sun will do.
Warnings: None.
Pairings: None.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Simple as that.
Summary: In a way, everything Zuko did was because of Lu Ten.
Author’s Note: Lu Ten needs more love. Though this Zuko of mine doesn’t seem inclined to give it to him...
 

If Lu Ten Hadn’t Died

In a way, everything Zuko did was because of Lu Ten.

The older prince had always been his young cousin’s idol. For as long as Prince Zuko could remember, he had adored and looked up to Prince Lu Ten, son of Crowned Prince Iroh and second in line for the Fire Nation throne, had loved him like a brother. Most of his early childhood not preoccupied with his Mother and Mai had been spent trying to mimic Lu Ten in every possible way, clinging to Lu Ten’s legs to make him stay longer, and defending Lu Ten from Azula’s insults and insinuations. To Zuko, Lu Ten was the perfect role model; handsome, smart, kind, strong, destined to become Fire Lord one day - everything he could ever hope to be.

His death did nothing to chang this. No matter how much Zuko changed in the years after, his desire (need) to be like Lu Ten stayed the same.

But Zuko no longer wanted to think of it that way. His present and future had turned so painful and grim that the memory of better days could no longer soothe him; they became tainted with his new found bitterness instead, and for all the appeal of losing himself in them, they only made returning to the harshness of reality harder.

Zuko tried his hardest to focus on that which could still be salvaged and not dwell on the things that were lost forever, yet in moments of weakness (the Avatar hasn’t been sighted in a hundred years, Zhao is snatching the last lifeline from my fingers for a miserable promotion, Ba Sing Se is going to snuff me out and bury me alive) his thoughts would sink away in the endless depths of ‘if only’, and the things that could never be would swirl around him like swamp gas, acidic and repugnant, poisoning the memories he cherished most from the inside out.

Casting such dangerous thoughts from his mind became easier with every passing month, but it was the resurrection and painful death of something he didn’t dare acknowledge every time.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, Uncle Iroh would not have broken the siege of Ba Sing Se. Father would not have had a weakness to take advantage of in order to snatch the throne for himself, and there would have been no resentment to turn Grandfather’s grief into anger. Mother would not have done the unspeakable. Her last words would not haunt him.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, Father would not have had to decide he was expendable. Zuko would have had time to make his Father love him, to prove that he could be a worthy son. At ten he had been clumsy, at thirteen he had been insolent, but by sixteen he had learned discipline, hadn’t he?

It wasn’t Lu Ten’s fault (it was it was it is, why did you have to die), but if he hadn’t been slain when he did, Zuko would not presently bear a scar to remind him every day for the rest of his life of his past shortcomings, would not be haunted by (three, only three) years of dejection.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, Uncle Iroh would not have crumbled. The war would have kept him away longer and Zuko would have missed him more, but he wouldn’t have been lost to the spirit world and a hermit’s journey through the four nations. He would still be the man who did what needed to be done, without protest and without fail. He would still have been Lu Ten’s role model, and Lu Ten Zuko’s.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, Zuko’s uncle might have kept intact a last remnant of the distance that tells nephews from sons. It wouldn’t make Zuko feel like a grave-robber whenever Iroh offered him the love of a father, the love his own father denied him. The fact that his own father didn’t love him like Uncle Iroh loved Lu Ten - that he wasn’t as good a son as Lu Ten (that Ozai wasn’t as good a father as Uncle) - wouldn’t be shoved in his face all the time by the only person left to love him like one.

Zuko wasn’t a prodigy like Lu Ten had been, had never been blessed with his cousin’s luck. But he was a fighter - he didn’t want luck, or love he hadn’t earned. He didn’t want to be pitied.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, maybe Zuko could resent him for having been everything he wanted - needed - to be, but couldn’t.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, maybe Zuko could stop hating (loving) Azula, who was so much like their cousin and yet so horribly, horribly different.

If Lu Ten hadn’t died, maybe Zuko could have figured out who he was without the fate of the world hinging on his ill-founded decisions.

If Zuko hadn’t loved Lu Ten so much, perhaps he could have grieved him without hatred.

 

PSAN: I suppose I owe you a bit of an explanation about this horribly plain and repetitive and blah piece of blegh. (This is the product of writer’s block, can you tell how much I hate everything that comes from my pen at the moment?) For all that Zuko is a scatterbrained klutz compared to the more prodigious prodigies and geniuses he’s surrounded with, he never struck me as particularly bitter about his (relative) lack of inborn abilities. Angry, angry, irritable and angry, yes, but his feelings seemed to go out to the world at large instead of focusing on anyone in particular. He prides himself on his stubborn refusal to yield to those without his perceived shortcomings. The only time he complained, that I can remember, was in Siege of the North, when he was stuck in a cave during a blizzard with glowy!Aang. (And given the all-around shitty month he’d had, that’s not much of a surprise, really.) Something must keep him from outright hating everyone with the luck he so sorely lacks, and I figured that that something is either an unshakable belief in ‘destiny’, or positive feelings towards the lucky ones he’s closest to, to balance out the negative sentiments. There’s no denying the former, and the junk-posing-as-fic above is one take on the latter.