FIC: Cheating Doesn't Work That Way [Gundam Wing, Une & Sally & Nichol]

[omnicat]

Title: Cheating Doesn't Work That Way
Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: K+ / PG
Genre: Humor
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: The entire series plus Endless Waltz.
Warnings: Some foul language, split-personality related relationship hijinxes.
Pairings: Sally x Une and Nichol x Une. Except not exactly.
Disclaimer: I’m just playing with them. Will return to their rightful owners when I’m done. Yes, yes, they’ll be intact.
Summary: Lady Une is breaking up with two people at the same time, neither of whom she had been involved with.
Author’s Note: The psychology in this is a lot neater than I’m sure it would be in real life, and what Sally says about MPD/DID was, when last I checked, nothing but one theory among several, which I’ve taken and promoted to Future Proven Fact. So don’t go quoting me on this now. ;)
 

Cheating Doesn't Work That Way

Sally and Nichol exchanged glances as they entered the office. Lady Une looked tense, her head resting against one hand while the fingers of the other drummed on her desk. She nodded at them to sit down and left them sitting there for almost a minute while she did nothing but look at them, studying them so intently and with such an odd, inscrutable expression that it made the battle-hardened veterans across from her squirm.

"Ma’am?" Nichol eventually said.

Her eyes closing, Une nodded. She straightened and clasped her hands in front of her.

"I was recently informed that..." She sighed and abandoned the dignity of folded hands almost immediately in favour of pinching the bridge of her nose. "I have been having a love affair."

They tensed simultaneously. That was a very strange way of phrasing it, and hadn’t they agreed to keep that quiet?

Une opened her eyes and shot a look that could have been a bullet at each of them in turn. "With both of you."

"What?!" Sally and Nichol shouted in unison. The looks they gave each other fluctuated between ‘How could you do this to me, I thought we were buddies!’ and ‘Why you filthy piece of shit, I oughta -’

"Except that neither of you have been seeing and sleeping with me." Une added.

Again in unison, this time utterly flabbergasted: "Yes I have."

"No," Lady instisted, calm as ice. "you haven’t."

"Oh God." Nichol muttered, a hand coming over his mouth.

"Is it that time again?" Sally said, the shock and hurt on her face melting away and being replaced by something akin to fascination.

Une heaved an aggravated sigh. "Unfortunately, yes. I do not need to remind you how vital it is that this does not become public knowledge."

Nichol abruptly rose from his seat and approached her. "My dear Lady, I -"

"Don’t you touch me Nicol, or so help me -" Lady growled, her fists curling on the desk. Nichol recoiled as if stung. "Nor you, Sally."

"No need to worry about that, Ma’am." Sally said placatingly, and subtly pulled on the back of Nichol’s pant’s leg to get him to sit back down. "Just for the sake of clarity, who are we talking to now?"

"You’re talking to me." Lady snapped, but then pinched the bridge of her nose again and took a deep breath. "My apologies. I’ve been a bit stressed lately. Like I said, I am not the person either of you have formed a relationship with. That would be Marshall and Duchess." she said, her voice becoming acidic as she looked up at Sally and Nichol.

Wide-eyed and visibly horrified, Nichol exclaimed: "Marshall?"

Une suppressed a sneer. "Don’t worry, the simpering fool you’ve courted so effectively was Duchess. Marshall," Une turned her burning gaze to Sally. "is the sleazebag who seduced you."

Sally bit her lip. "You - I mean, he, can seduce me any time he wants, Ma’am. You make a fine sleazebag with a little help from the prostetics, if I may say so."

"You may not." Une ground out.

"I don’t get it." Nichol said, inadvertedly saving Sally from Une’s ire. "I thought your schizophrenia was cured."

"Multiple personality disorder, not schizophrenia." Sally corrected. "It’s not something you ‘cure’. The emotional conflict that creates a split into different personalities can be resolved, but the propensity is inborn and never really goes away." She turned to Une. "Is there anything that could have triggered it this time?"

"The fact that I am chronically overworked and on the verge of a burnout." was the immediate - and rather clipped - answer. "Added to the fact that you -" - her eyes flashed to Nichol - "- have been following me around like a love-struck puppy for years now, and you -" - Sally - "- are the first woman I have ever found even remotely attractive. Both are highly confusing. Put it all together and voilà, conflict!" Une finished heatedly.

The two of them exchanged sheepish looks.

"Either way," Une continued, somewhat more calm. "The two of them deigned to make their presence known to me in my sleep a couple of days ago, and I have come to a decision. I am hereby breaking up with the both of you on their behalf. Soon I will be taking a long overdue vacation to the Bahamas. Mariemeia will spend some time with a cousin of mine and I will leave temporary command over the Preventor agency to you, Sally."

Nichol looked to be on the verge of tears. Sally exclaimed in dismay: "You’re going to try to get rid of them?"

"Exactly. And if sun, sea and booze isn’t enough to get the stess out of my system and the lot of them back in, I’m taking a shrink."

"But Lady Une, we were so happy to finally be together!" Nichol said.

"You gotta admit, though, that they’ve been behaving remarkably well, all things considered. We never noticed anything was out of the ordinary." Sally said at the same time.

"You say so now, but it’s only a matter of time before the Colonel returns."

Sally and Nichol paled. It didn’t take long for the both of them to agree that giving up their respective relationships with Une would be a small price to pay to keep someone like the old Colonel Une from re-emerging on the top of mankind’s food chain. After confirming that they understood and accepted Lady’s orders, they were dismissed.

Nichol hurried away, red-eyed, but Sally lingered in the doorway. "Out of purely professional interest - are there any more?"

Lady’s mouth twisted. "Missy. She’s young, playful and indulgent, and Mariemeia loves her. And Regalia, who takes a page from Miss Relena’s book and has taken to ‘helping’ me write and give impassioned speeches."

"I don’t suppose I can come with you to the Bahamas?"

"No."

"I can’t ask Marshall to convince you otherwise?"

"Now where did I put those glasses..."

"Kidding, kidding!" 

PSAN: Hope you liked it. ^_^